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| The school year has finally taken THE turn around the corner. Though it's been a painful journey to say the least (senior year has been anything but candy and cake), I feel the end coming. Wow, I'm super happy right now. Joy, joy, joy  | | |
| They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
Never before have I made such a vivid, stirring, mental snapshot of our Youth Group. It is an image that I believe will endure for the duration of my life. Well, it's not going to be forgotten anywhere in the near future. It was not a matter of seeing something completely new or radically different from my previous experiences with retreats, revivals, etc, but it was the way I saw it with a new and refined lens. I saw it for what it was truly worth and what it meant: I formed a totally new outlook of our Youth Group, one that absolutely delights me and gives me an immense amount of hope for what is to come. I witnessed a glimpse of God at work in his power and glory. I received a revelation that when I look back at it one day, I hope I can say it changed my life.
It still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. Tears of gratitude, tears of thanks, tears of brokenness. Not only in my personal encounters, but witnessing the encounters and interaction of my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ moved me in a profound way. It's not everyday when you see such displays of humility and courage. In midst of it, there was sorrow, pain, and confession. The way I saw us sharing in the pain, carrying each other's burdens, and reaching out to others was very touching. Yes, many tears were shed, but they weren't all entirely out of sadness. Many, I believe, were just as much touched because they were so gratified and thankful to have one another as friends, as family. The deep love and affection we have towards each other was revealing itself and coming out in the open so that as I saw it, I don't know, it brought tears to my eyes, it made my heart swell; I was so stirred inside.
I believe there was a powerful force working in that room the last afternoon of the retreat, and it consumed the entire place with what was undeniable, unstoppable, love for each other. I witnessed and personally experienced the lengths we would go through to love each other. Let me tell you, it was one of the hardest things I had to overcome to approach my sister. I knew what was waiting : pain, anguish, and all the emotions pent up inside from a broken, regrettable, relationship. For me to confront that and enter into the mess was almost too much for me, I almost didn't do it. What gave me the courage to go through with it, I still explicitly remember, was a special individual who was willing to suffer in that pain and face humility for the sake reconciling with his friend, for the sake of fortifying their relationship. Their tears and his wavering voice expressing his sorrow and desire to strengthen their relationship hit me hard, and I knew what I had to do.
Well, I did it, and I got exactly what I expected. I cried so hard I didn't have any tears left over to spare. It's still kind of eerie and unnerving to actually know that I did what I did, but I have no regrets. I hope the incident can signify a new beginning for us.
It wasn't just crying with my sister. It was like I said before the measures that we took, measures that required a great deal of humility, to express our love for one another. Those measures and the tears I saw on other people's faces, to me, represented the deep, deep, love and affection we hold for one another, and the gratification we experience to know that we have such people in our lives. I saw the hope of reconciliation. I saw the hope of forgiveness. I saw the extent of how much we loved each other. I saw, and now see, the hope of LIFE in our relationships and in our Youth Group. I don't care if it happened during a retreat - what was there on the outside only reflects what was inside of us. I am confident that what is inside of each one of us, no matter how lost or buried it can get due to the craziness and trials of our lives, will start to do amazing in our own lives and the lives of others.
I'm lost for words. I cannot begin to describe how blessed I was being a part of that particular moment. Not to diminish the blessing I received from Pastor Tony and the rest of the retreat - in fact, the time of communion we shared seemed to bring everything that the retreat promoted together : being loved and loving each other in the name of God, through the blood of Jesus Christ. I believe God was working in us throughout the retreat, but his power absolutely radiated in that one moment.
It humbles me to know how big and how grand our God can be. I am so blessed - this retreat made me feel even more blessed than I had thought I was. I am so thankful and so lucky to be a child of God. And I am so stinkin' happy to be a part of Zion Church, what I have recently learned to mean "God's Chosen".
I'll say one last thing before I sign off. Throughout the retreated I prayed one central prayer. It went like this:
"God, help us to experience your love. Consume and fill us with your love so that there may be an overflow that reaches out to everyone here. Help to feel so blessed so that we can't help but want to bless others."
Prayer answered.
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| Dear God,
I still don't know how I've fallen into the habit of saying "Dear" everytime I talk to you, but I suppose it doesn't hurt. As you know, I've been reminsicing alot lately, and I'm pretty flustered and befuddled.
Remember once upon a time - well, let's say the duration of my first few youth group years - when I possessed an undeniable zeal for you? The times when I was driven by this naive enthusiasm, when just thinking about the prospect of living for you got me absolutely pumped. Not to say I was necessarily on fire, but I had something going for me. I had a desire, I had a passion. Ok, sure I was a bit dumb and immature, probably idealistic and impractical at times, but you know, it wasn't all that bad now that I think about it. Why? Because it was during this time when I had HOPE, when I held onto dreams, when I was motivated and inspired enough to strive for the greater cause. I told myself that no matter what troubles I would encounter, no matter what setbacks I faced, you would still be greater, you would still be stronger, and that you would always be the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. And you know what? I believed it! I believed it and let it empower me. I allowed it to drive me and shape the outlook I had.
Not to say that I led the perfect Christian life or anything that comes close to resembling that, but as I acknowledged my shortcomings, I still fiercely desired to worship you, to praise you, to make you smile. I had such high hopes and dreams for our church and it was so dear to me, that I could literally envision and see the glorious possibilities.
So, uh, where'd it all go? Because I've gotten rid of the naivety, he foolishness, and began to become more realistic, wise, sensible, I've lost that spark, that fire? Is it because I've "grown" and begun to see the brutal reality of life that enmeshes itself into our religion, that the passion is gone? Is it because I now overly analyze, criticize, ponder, and question every aspect of my so far stagnant walk with you that I only see things with an objective, logical, lens? Where's the joy of it all? Where's the emotion, the fire? The satisfaction, the gratification, the pleasure, the desire? Where did I change from an enthused participant to a dull, unmoved, critic?
I find myself looking at the Christian life rather than living it. All I do is analyze, critique every situation, see if it makes sense or if it's appropriate, or whether I should validate a certain experience or not. Can't I just enjoy it without being so worked up with whether or not it's consistent with my current situation? Can I not just retain that faithful hope, believe in your power and your love, without considering how it sizes up with my reality? Why can't I just be resilient and faithful at the same time? Why do I always have to be appropriate and analyze how it fits in my life?
Well, the way I have approached Christianity the past couple of years have sucked. God, help me to go back into the good ol days. Help me re-acquire that thirst and hunger, the faith and the joy, the passion and the hope. Bring it on.
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| I don't know what to write...I just wanted to take a break from history.
Energy drinks are a life saver.
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| The next couple of months are going to be very, very, very, very, very, long. I think once I will be able to look back at my ENTIRE high school career, I'll appreciate what IB has offered me. I suppose if you are capable of excelling, then why not strive to acheive just that? (I am not implying that I am a top notch student - I'm far from that. I'm just pointing out that IB is one hell of a high school program...and a complete pain in the ass.)
I think being around my older cousins (and I mean OLD) and my Gomo during the summer has really helped me to recognize that which I value most; to be loved and love right back. Love is something you freely receive and freely give. Subsequently, this summer has very much rejuvenated my faith and passion for Jesus.
I think this year will be interesting in many aspects - church, school, family, friends, HOMEWORK; I'm starting to soak all of it in.
College...
I figure I'll do what I can and leave the rest up to God.
Psalm 36:5
Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies
Here we go...
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